Space Travel: Space Suit Required?

Over the weekend I attended my weekly Dungeons and Dragons game with the great dungeon master Professor John Highless. Professor Sax was there, as always, playing his 8th level paladin Electra (Image at right). Sax will tell you that Electra is the leader of our band but don't buy it. Electra would have died in our last adventure if it hadn't been for the cloaking spell that my cleric, Alderon cast to save her from that horde of orcs. If Sax were a reasonable player he'd realize that Electra is madly in love with Alderon. Alderon is a rugged and handsome 12th level cleric who has valiantly saved Electra from certain death numerous times. Electra should be throwing herself at his feet by now. I considered letting her die this time just to spite Sax but I'm a reasonable player and I know to put my personal feelings in the backseat when we're adventuring. But I was tempted. I would have liked to see if there would have been another incident like the last time one of his characters died.

But I digress. Dr. Highless is a big time space buff (and an unquestioned genius and knows more about space travel than any other human alive (or dead )) and after D&D was over we began discussing the new space lab that NASA is launching this week. Sax began to complain about how NASA had denied his request for experiment time on the new lab. Who was he kidding. Of course his proposal had been denied. No one cares about looking for the "Saxton" in the vacuum of space. It's just absurd. Everyone agreed that my proposal (which was accepted of course) will be far more enlightening. My experiment is vital to future long distance space travel. How will we know if the lactose intolerant space traveler will be able to drink milk if we don't experiment on the effects of weightlessness on the milk production of goats?

Anyway, Dr. Highless believes that NASA is too cautious with their space program. We would save a lot of money and accomplish a lot more if we would just take more chances. For example, DR. Highless states that we could travel up too 12 times faster in space than we currently can if NASA weren't afraid of firing a nuclear reactor into space. The chances of an atmospheric disaster are less than one in one hundred. Everyone agreed that this was a reasonable risk, even Sax. He knows it would be folly to argue with Dr. Highless in matters of space travel.

So we all began postulating different ways that NASA could save money and time by taking more risks. There were some fascinating ideas, many of which were mine, and I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that none came from Prof. Sax. One of the most fascinating proposals was to make space diapers out of a radioactive isotope that would neutralize any bacteria the human waste and completely eliminate the need for waste storage aboard the shuttle. But the most intriguing was when Highless questioned the need for space suits at all. Conventional wisdom has a lot of reasons for space suits but a closer look at each of these reasons finds flaws in the logic. Today I'd like to explore one reason why people think that space suits are necessary.

Dr. Highless postulated that if a person were moving fast enough through space he or she would be able to get enough oxygen to their blood even if they were not wearing a space suit. In fact, the less clothes they were wearing the better. You see, while space is empty, it is not a vacuum entirely. It is estimated that throughout the universe there is one molecule of matter per square meter. And, while on earth, we breath oxygen through our lungs, it would be possible to fire molecules of oxygen at upwards of .65c (c = the speed of light) through our skin (provided we were not wearing clothes) and directly into the blood stream. So, if a person were moving at greater than .65c and encountered enough oxygen molecules they would not have to breathe in the conventional manner.

Let's do the math:

For this exercise we'll imagine that it is Electra traveling through space. Women need less oxygen than men. About 10 to the 21st molecules per minute.

Let's assume that while moving forward Electra has a forward square area of .5 square meters. And for this exercise let's imagine her 100% naked. Let's also assume that 1 in 1000 molecules floating in space are o2 and if moving at greater than .65c 1 in 5 of those molecules would enter directly into her blood stream. I hope you recognize that these are very conservative estimates.

So, if we multiply Electra's square area by the amount of total molecules that she would encounter in one minute traveling at .65c and then divide by the percentage of total molecules that are oxygen molecules we find that she would get more than enough oxygen. So, in this case, Electra would not need a spell for Alderon to stay alive.

A big thank you to Dr. Highless for such an enlightening topic.

Please read my comment on Sax's most recent post, the one in which he whined about loosing in squash (again) to understand why his argument is complete rubbish.

Advanced Principles of Quantum Physics as Demonstrated by the Mastery of Squash

It was a beautiful winter day yesterday and, flush with the vigor of a professor in the prime of his life, I decided to take a stroll through campus. Lost in a reverie about a monumental scientific discovery that I have been on the verge of making, I looked up to find myself outside of Warfield Hall. Was it by accident that Rectshaffen was teaching his Advanced Dairy Chemistry Workshop in that very same building? Or was it fate that drew me to quietly open the door and sit down in the back row?

Ah, to be a young Dean's List student once again. I sat back and mentally answered each of Rectshaffen's questions before they left his supple lips. Of course, I have always found that he teaches well below even the poor caliber of today's student and the boredom showed on the faces of the young scholars present. As I scanned the room, my attention was caught by the eyes of a stunning young Sophomore coed whom I had not encountered before on campus. In an instant I recognized that here was not a young female who would be satisfied with the gropings and fumblings of the oversexed teenagers she called her classmates. It was the (slightly) older mustachioed professor in the back row who had raised her pheromones to the point of screaming and she let me know it with an unmistakable look that said "I want you Prof. Sax." (I assume she knows my name even if I do not know hers).

Now I am INTIMATELY familiar with Sec 5.3 of the Ethics Handbook that specifies the boundaries of student/teacher sexual relationships. So I decided to romance her with my mind instead of my body (which I believe the Dean's office will never be able to outlaw try as they may).

Holding her gaze, I cleared my throat and raised my hand. Rectshaffen turned back toward the class, away from his low-fat milk curdling formula and before he could speak, I stood and deftly, mercilessly tore down the theorem he had placed on the board. The class was stunned. Here was true intellectual rigor at last! Rectshaffen feebly tried to interrupt but I was not to be deterred until I had said my peace, all the while staring into the eyes of my muse. Fifteen minutes into my manifesto, scribed by Eros, but spoken in the words of Avogadro, the class filed out and Rectshaffen approached me in a rage as if I had torn apart his latest 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. By the look on his face, I realized that this would come to blows if we did not find some other more dignified outlet for the manly animosity simmering between us. There was no question this would have to be settled on the squash court.

Within the hour we were on the court and locked in athletic battle. Rectshaffen (ranked #245 (tied) amateur over 45y.o. in the tri county region), powered by rage defeated me (ranked #245 (tied) amateur over 45 y.o. in the tri county region) in the first three games. And that's where my comeback began, or would have, if the match had not devolved (again) into an argument over an out-of-bounds shot.

Rectshaffen hit a limp left wall backhand boast that smacked the side wall clearly out of bounds. Counted properly this would have improved my score to 4 serving 8 (an excellent position from which to mount my comeback). But Rectshaffen had the gall to challenge the out-of-bounds call, insisting the ball had landed in. Try this trick with anyone, ANYONE else in the scientific community and you might get away with it, but with the discoverer of the Saxton (the smallest particle known to science), you picked the wrong man to try to cheat Rectshaffen!

And here our quantum physics lesson for today begins.. First you need to understand something about string theory, chaos theory and squash. String Theory tells us that a ball traveling through the air moves along invisible strings that can only be seen in the sixth dimension. Like so:


In this picture, the ball is bouncing off of the front wall and must travel along one of the blue "strings" on its way back toward the viewer assuming of course the viewer is moving at less than the speed of light. This may seem counter-intuitive but science often seems this way when you're starting out, so I suggest you just believe it. So we know that any given shot only has a certain number of strings that it can possibly travel on. But which one? Well that's where chaos theory comes in. Simply put, chaos theory tells us that we cannot possibly tell where a ball bouncing off a wall will land. The ball will randomly choose a string and (barring a strong wind) will follow that string indefinitely until it hits a wall (or a racquet or an eye).

So, you are asking, Professor Sax, how can you possibly know Rectshaffen's shot was out of bounds? Well let's begin with the evidence:

1. Rectshaffen's shot left a mark on the front wall. So we know where the original bounce began.
2. From that point, though we cannot possibly know which string the ball followed on the rebound, we can map all possible strings arising from that point (there are five, or Avagodro's constant divided by 3).



I've mapped them out in the image below:
Note how every possible landing spot (gray circle) put Rectshaffen's shot OUT OF BOUNDS! It is beyond the scope of this blog to explain how these spots are determined but basically it has to do with the Saxtons in the individual strings and how they align with the magnetic field of the court. Of course, Rectshaffen is ignorant of not only string theory but has a weak grasp on chaos theory and even doubts the existence of Saxton's! So the argument was moot after 45 minutes and I stormed back to my house more convinced than ever of the need for our university to be more selective in its hiring processes. Luckily Chelsea was home to hear about my day and assure me that of course Rectshaffen's shot had clearly been out!

As frustrating as the experience was, I am glad it has allowed for this concise and clear lesson into the basics of quantum physics. For those of you in my Physics Symposium, please print out the sticker below and wear it to class so I know you fulfilled your assignment and read this blog.



And Rectshaffen, I publicly challenge you to defend your ridiculous claim that your ball was in (and the claim that you can't digest dairy). I am going to make you a "guest blogger" on this site so you can show your intellectual ineptitude to the entire university community. Let the great debate begin!

I hope you have enjoyed and understood this entry.

Help Wanted

Readers! I recently posted this ad in the college daily but I thought my virtual community could help get the word spread:

Response to Recent Comments

Well, well. It seems my blog has raised some hackles in the scientific community. I've already had three responses, and how does the saying go? "Contradiction is the highest form of flattery!" But I must respond directly to the MOST erroneous claim in the comments posted so far. This one an excerpt of a comment by a Dr. Rectshaffen (untenured):

"And don't start with Avogadro's Constant. I don't even think you know what it is. (Please! (my comment)) Do I need to remind you of what happened three weeks ago at the conference on the effects of space travel on the reproductive systems of marsupials? You embarrassed the entire university with your question for Dr. Busby."

Well Dr., I ask you to look at this for a moment and tell me who has the last laugh now (click to enlarge it and read it in all of its glory):


I think that puts that question to rest. For a real laugh at the stupidity of man, read the entire comment from Dr. Rectshaffen below. My next post (a lesson in quantum physics) will be appearing shortly. I hope you enjoyed and understood this entry.

Saturated Lipid Reuptake in Adult Caucasian Males

Hello. And welcome to my blog!

With my responsibilities as a prominent professor (in 2 departments) and a beautiful but demanding (younger) girlfriend I haven't had much time to explore the Internet. So I'm no expert at this blogging "thing", though I was one of the first scientists to propose the possibility of a global interconnected computer network back in 1994. Anyway, most blogs waste a lot of time on their first post with introductions. This is probably because they don't have much wisdom to impart. But I do, so I would like to just get started. I hope you will enjoy and understand this blog.

I recently had a dinner for some professors at my home and though the conversation was meant to be light and pleasant over a couple glasses of Whitbred Sauvignon (1994 of course!) it quickly got contentious... again. Rahm Rectshaffen (Adjunct Professor of Biology and Physical Sciences) was asking Chelsea how she had prepared the melted butter puffs we were serving. I wondered aloud, half-jokingly, for how many days a 165-lb man could eat nothing but a daily allowance of 5 million micrograms (about 5 sticks) of butter. If "Prof." Rectshaffen had simply allowed me to answer my own question as I intended to (my work recently has been directly concerned with human lipid absorption) we could have laughed and moved on (the answer is 545 days).

But, and I believe he did this simply because he's jealous of my tenure and potential (but very likely) upcoming text book publication, Rectshaffen drained his glass, his third I might add, and declared the answer to be 896! Rectshaffen knows full well that i am the foremost expert at lipid reuptake at the university (and probably in the entire Tri-County region) and his credentials in this area are scant. But he made his claim boldly and brazenly, then sat down and helped himself to another butter puff. One butter puff proves nothing, Rahm!

This was an insult I could not allow to stand. For anyone with an IQ in the 160-190 range as I am, the answer to this question is blazingly simple. I would lay out the full equation for you here, but Chelsea has made me promise to keep the ideas SIMPLE on this blog (thank you my dear!). So let us simply say that Days=X*K/C2. In which X is Calories from Fat, K is Avagodro's constant and C2 is obviously the square of the molecular weight of Carbon. (Incidentally for non-caucasian males I might add 2 to K).

To be fair, this equation only works on our particular planet, Earth. That's because the length of a day as well as relative gravity varies with planetary mass. Perhaps on Neptune you could eat 5 sticks of butter only for 896 days. And perhaps there's a tenure track position available to you there as well Rectshaffen.

But for anyone on planet Earth with a pencil, paper and half a brain, the solution is 545. But Rectshaffen made an alluring, if not totally treasonous argument, that if the subject were to engage in moderate physical activity and eat salted butter (which contains Iodine) Avogadro's constant could be overcome and even augmented.

Rectshaffen, it is called a constant because it is CONSTANT. Fuck your iodine.

In any case, I DO NOT recommend eating nothing but butter (salted or unsalted) for any amount of time longer than 545 days. Rectshaffen you can have my tenured position if you can exceed this obvious limit. I publicly, on this blog DARE you.

Needless to say, the dinner was ruined, Chelsea was furious and everyone left before we could even play Settlers of Catan.

I hope you have found this post to be understandable and informative. I look forward to bringing you another exciting but simple topic soon. (And please comment! I love to hear from my readers).

http://rjdconstruction.blogspot.com